Two tiny pink lines

I remember that morning like it was yesterday. About 21 or so weeks ago, I remember feeling really terrible. (I am 26 weeks pregnant now) My nausea was so bad, I was so dizzy, and weak beyond belief (some days I literally wouldn't have the strength to sit up and get out of bed)  The only thing that I could think of was that I was pregnant. I kept telling myself "no way...you will be fine. It's probably something else. It's too early for you to be pregnant." As I peed on the little stick and sat in the bathroom for a dreaded two to three minutes, I paced the bathroom floor, I glanced at the stick over and over on the sink, I took deep breaths, and I kneaded my hands anxiously. My heart began to race as the first pink line appeared. I just kept thinking to myself "it's okay. One line doesn't mean anything."It wasn't long before another blurry, but definitely there pink line appeared on the screen. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. My mind was bouncing all over the place. The only thing I could think to do was yell for my husband Justin to come into the bathroom. I showed him the test, as I hugged him and cried. That's all I knew TO do. Both of us trying to keep our cool, we decided I would wait another day and then take another one. We figured the second line was just an evaporation line or something. Needless to say, the second test rendered the same results. Going to the doctors, we were told the same exact thing; we were going to be parents, and I was about 8 weeks pregnant. Sitting in the doctor's office, Justin and I smiled at each other as I cried. I would learn later on, that that was just the start of my crying episodes. Christmas morning, I cried all because my eggs, cinnamon roll, and bacon had fallen on the floor. Talk about serious hormones. That was the start of a lot of things I would learn about my body's changes.

As the days, weeks, and months went on, I began to feel more accustomed to the fact that I was pregnant. I was constantly  touching my stomach. I was constantly staring at myself in the mirror. I started working out. I started to eat healthier. I started to take prenatal vitamins. Knowing that there was a little one growing inside of me, I wanted nothing but to provide him/ her with the best my body could provide. A lot of my first and the start of my second trimester was miserable; between terrible nausea but not being able to throw up, weakness and dizziness so bad I staid in bed or on the couch most of the time(ended up being the reason I had to quit my job), migraines for up to 10 hours, back aches, terrible heel pain, and of course....the stomach bloating bloating bloating. Most of my weight gain in the beginning was just bloating. Then came the dreaded depression that not everyone gets, but I did. (lucky me) All I did was cry. In the shower. When I woke up. All the time. There were mornings I didn't want to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. I began to feel hopeless. I began to feel like "why did this happen to me so early? I have nothing to offer. I have no job now. I don't want to be pregnant. I would give anything to not be pregnant. When this baby gets here, I'm not going to have much if any help at all. I want to go back home. I can't do this here. I don't want to be pregnant. Justin and I JUST got married not too long ago...we haven't really had any US time...and now we never will. Why do I have to be pregnant now? Why can't it be someone else instead of me?" Constant thoughts like that would rush through my head for weeks and weeks. Then I started feeling like a terrible mom for feeling that way. Then I started feeling depressed, because I felt like I wouldn't be a good enough mom, that our baby would always have a favorite that wasn't me because I was no fun..whether it be the baby's dad, or auntie, or grandma or grandpa.  I hated feeling that way. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to find my way out of the darkness. So, i went to God. I prayed for God to help me out of the darkness. I prayed for God to help me fight the thoughts in my head. I read my bible daily. I cried. I cried some more. I prayed and prayed some more. As I read my bible and prayed every day, I began to feel a sense of happiness again. I looked at my growing stomach with a sense of love. I had never felt happier than I did in that moment. I knew in my heart that everything would be okay, because I had God by my side. I knew that everything would be okay, because it was all part of God's plan.

Since then, I have grown to love our little one more and more each and every day. We found out we are going to be having a beautiful baby boy, and I couldn't be any happier. Every time I feel him kick me really hard, I can't help but smile EVERY time. Every time Justin gets to feel him move, I can't help but smile, choke up, and feel so proud. Whenever I think of how I felt so depressed, it makes me sad. Our son doesn't deserve for me to have felt like that. Yet, in a way, I feel like going through that has helped me grow. It has made me realize how much I truly DO love our little one. It's hard to believe I am almost 7 months pregnant, and that in a short while I will get to hold him in my arms finally. <3 Every time I look back and reflect on the day I saw those two tiny pink lines, I think to myself " Sheer happiness. I didn't know it then, but those two pink lines were showing me a huge sign of sheer happiness. Sheer happiness, and a heart swelled with so much love that it is hard to imagine." Those two pink lines were a sign of  not just a baby, but a mother to be. As I look back and reflect on those two pink lines, I can't help but smile and think that they weren't showing me that my life was being ruined or put on hold. Those two pink lines were showing me that my life was JUST beginning, and that yes there will be sleep less nights, yes there will be head aches, yes there will be break downs, yes there will be times I won't know what to do, and yes there will be times I will question my sanity, BUT there will be so much more love than I could have ever thought possible. Who would have thought that so much love could be contained in one person? Who would have thought that so much love could have been shown through two pink lines?